I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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