apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
