after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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