I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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