I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
