I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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