WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
