dude i'm inner monologue high
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
