I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
