Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
