he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
