I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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