Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
