you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
