My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
