Michael Bay diarrhea
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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