Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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