my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
