just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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