Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
