dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
