i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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