have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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