you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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