Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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