i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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