i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
