If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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