The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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