I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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