everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
