this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
