Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
