I want to make a zoo with you.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
