i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
