I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
