the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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