My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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