After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
