Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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