She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
