The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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