no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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