I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
