I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
