I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
