I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
