Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
