Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
