They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i wish my penis had a tongue
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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