I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
